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Monday, April 19, 2010

Report: Icelandic volcano caused by global warming

By Bryan Alexander
The Satirical Times

Professor Phil Jones, director of the climatic research unit at the University of East Anglia in Norwich, has determined that the eruption of the Icelandic volcano, which is causing so much havoc over much of Europe, was caused by global warming.

"This past winter was much colder than normal, which was a direct result of warmer global temperatures, causing increased evaporation of the earth’s ocean waters," Jones explained.  "When this increased volume of evaporated water reached the cooler temperatures of the upper layers of our atmosphere, the water vapor  began to freeze, causing record snowfall over much of the planet."  

Jones pointed out that the record snowfall caused the frigid temperatures that we experienced this winter.  According to Jones, "The cold quickly brought down the temperature of the Iceland volcano, causing it to contract and forcing the mass eruption that we have seen."

Former Vice President Al Gore, commenting on Jones’ finding said, “For eight years, the Bush administration ignored the science of climate change, choosing instead to waste precious resources on fighting terrorism.  The real threat is and always has been the excessive use of SUV’s and incandescent light bulbs.  The Bush administration dropped the ball on the real threat to humanity, and now we’re paying the price.

President Obama pointed to the eruption as evidence of the urgency of passing climate change legislation. “Congress needs to put aside partisian bickering and get this done as soon as possible.  My administration has been working hard on this, and I want the cap and trade bill on my desk by June.  The sooner we get this done, the sooner I’ll be able to stop the oceans from rising… uh… evaporating.  We’re closer to that goal today than we’ve ever been before, but you have to remember that I inherited one of the worst climate environments in history, and these things take time.”

Friday, April 02, 2010

These Guys Want to Run Our Heathcare System

In a hearing of the House Armed Services Committee last week, Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) expressed his fear that the island of Guam might capsize as a result of the United States stationing an additional 5,000 Marines and their families on the island.

While questioning Navy Admiral Robert Willard, commander of the U.S. Pacific Fleet, Johnson stated, "My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize."

To Admiral Willard's immense credit, he somehow kept from laughing out loud and refrained from embarrassing Johnson more than Johnson already had embarrassed himself by responding, “We don’t anticipate that...”

Really, I think Rep. Johnson is worrying needlessly. I'm sure that while Barack Obama is stopping the oceans from rising, he can take a few minutes to stop Guam from capsizing.

Here's the video:

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